Old riff, Recycled gag and Tired format
DOWN UNDER UP ABOVE
So there we were, 12 minutes until deadline time with a story to write about Australia wanting to resurrect the old Home Nations tournament, only with added Socceroos to increase England’s chances of torment. And the Republic in place of Northern Ireland. And maybe no Wales. With Theme Pub O’Fiver on duty in the next story, what did you expect us to do? Of course we were going to call on Brett Strewth, the younger brother of Bruce Fiver who is over here on his gap year to help out with the shocking labour shortage in British pubs.
As luck would have it, Brett just happened to bump into Soccer $27k celine emerald green crocodile mini belt bag w top handle & shoulder strap Australia chairman Remo Nogaratto in the dunnies of the first Irish pub he went into. “We want to play a regular set of fixtures in London where we could maximise crowd attendances and sponsorship opportunities,” gushed Remo. “It makes sense to play Ireland at Stamford Bridge rather than a team like Switzerland,” continued Remo, making precious little sense.
The mere mention of Ireland 0 celine bag 17727 3abe 070c-13 stirred the interest of some other Aussies at the bar, who broke off from their discussion of slimming pills. They’ve all got Irish family, y’see. “Can you just imagine how many Irishmen would turn up if we played at Chelsea?” continued Remo, as someone out back hit the jackpot on the fruit machine. “We could expect between 30,000 to 40,000, whereas if it were the Swiss we may only get between 5,000 to 10,000.”
Well, they could if they were allowed to play. Sadly for the Socceroos, ever since they whooped England 3-1 last month, the FA have put up a big Keep Off The Grass sign. “Where is it going to fit into the football calendar?” piped up FA spokesman Paul Newman after ordering a glass of the house’s sourest grape. “Given the difficulties we have with friendlies to start with, I can’t see that being much of a goer.” If last month’s performance at Upton Park is anything to go by, England have difficulties with friendlies all right.
THE RETURN OF THEME PUB O’FIVER
If there’s one thing the Fiver’s favourite tedious national stereotype and Irish cousin Theme Pub O’Fiver likes more than a sniff of the cork, it’s a flutter on the gee-gees. $2300 giorgio armani leather jacket coat celine beige size 44 Small wonder then, that he’s currently fidgeting like Michael Flatley on ecstasy as he counts down the minutes to the most celebrated Irish race meeting of them all: the Cheltenham Guinness Drinking Festival which kicks off in Cheltenham, England next Tuesday. There he will be joined by high roller and famous Irish gazillionaire JP McManus, whose string of impressive jumpers will be attempting to emulate the feats of their owner’s retired three-time Champion Hurdle winner, most-popular-living-Irish-quadruped and current family pet, Istabraq.
JP has long had a keen eye for equine flesh, a fact that would explain the currently unfounded speculation that – along with his equally rich adherent John Magnier – he is plotting a take-over of Manchester United, home of horse-faced Dutch thoroughbred Ruud van Nistelrooy. Not only that, the pair are rumoured to be hatching a fiendish plan to install their best mate Alex Ferguson as chairman.
So worried are Manchester United fans about the moneyed Irishmen recently overtaking BSkyB as major shareholders at Old Trafford (they now own 10.37%), that their spokesperson Andy Walsh has called on them to come clean and explain what exactly they’re up to. “From a football fan’s point of view I am concerned. But as Rupert Murdoch will tell anybody, if they try to take over Manchester United Football Club without consulting the supporters, the supporters will make damn sure their views are known,” he mumbled incoherently, spraying a slogan on an adjacent wall using a semi-masticated mixture of what looked like prawns, lettuce, coleslaw and ciabatta bread.
A very long-winded and boring statement from Manchester United plc confirmed that McManus and Magnier had indeed increased their holding, which would suggest that if Andy Walsh and his fellow Manchester United fans don’t put a stop to JP’s gallop (cymbal crash!) soon, David Beckham and Gary Neville won’t be the only players to fall out with Ryan Giggs over where he gets his oats.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“You have got to ask ‘why Scotland?’ and, with all due respect, ‘why Dunfermline?’ He wants to build up his career quietly but I don’t think he knows what it is like up here. And then there is the wind and the rain” – Dunfermline manager Jimmy Calderwood pooh-poohs tales linking him with a loan move for 16-year-old Diego Maradona Junior.
THIS IS HOW WE WORK IV
3.32pm, Friday March 7 2003
Fiver ordered to write story about Fifa.
3.57pm, Friday March 7 2003
Having tidied desk and made cup of tea, a procrastinating Fiver shuffles off to toilet.
4.13pm, Friday March 7 2003
After staring at back of cubicle door for over a quarter of $405 celine women’s baby audrey cl 41053 an hour, Fiver accepts that its task isn’t going to go away and prepares to return to desk.
4.14pm celine replica nano luggage bag, Friday March 7 2003
Fiver spots copy of Guardian on floor of toilet.
4.31pm, Friday March 7 2003
Having read ‘Birmingham Revisited: How England’s second city became first class, produced by the Guardian in association with Birmingham’ twice, Fiver returns to desk with heavy heart.
4.35pm, Friday March 7 2003
Fiver in deep funk.
4.38pm, Friday March 7 2003
Fiver’s soul in torment.
4.39pm, Friday March 7 2003
Fiver decides to abuse readership’s patience and goodwill by resorting to tired This Is How We Work riff and typing following facts into computer: the 2014 World Cup will be played in South America; Fifa are considering a proposal to increase the number of teams in the 2006 finals from 32 to 36; Fifa are also toying with the idea of making players on opposing teams shake hands with each other after the final whistle.
4.43pm, Friday March 7 2003
Fiver suddenly remembers it didn’t even attempt to crowbar in reference to either Lennart Johannsen’s weight or top World Cup anthem Sepp’s Gonna Sex Ya Up.
4.44pm, Friday March 7 2003
Fiver accepts it has been finally stripped of last vestiges of dignity.
EARWORMS
The Devil Went Down To Georgia – The Charlie Daniels Band Caribbean Queen – Billy Ocean Trouble – Shampoo Achy Breaky Heart – Billy Ray Cyrus
THE RUMOUR MILL
Fabien Barthez is being kicked out of Old Trafford and shipped back to France in a crate with no air holes (subject to vaccination).
Carlo Cudicini is the first name on Fergie’s list of replacements, if Fergie doesn’t get replaced first, of course.
Cameroonian Geremi is taking time off from bench-pressing tower blocks to consider his future, and it doesn’t look like being at Middlesbrough.
NEWS IN BRIEF
Dave Jones is prepared to accept a handshake from Southampton chairman Rupert Lowe when Wolves visit St Mary’s on Sunday. He has not been back to Southampton since he was accused of child abuse and subsequently suspended on full pay by the club – only to later clear his name. “We will never agree on the decision he made but I had a friendship with him as well. He thinks he did the right thing, I don’t,” the 0 celine bag 30 cm ruler Wolves manager said.
Leeds United plc’s operations director David Spencer has parted company with the company.
The 72 Nationwide League clubs are set $4850 celine runway sleeveless alpaca hooded coat fr34 nwt to discuss proposals to expand the number of sides who enter the play-offs next season. Under the plans put forward by Crystal Palace, six clubs would be involved in divisional play-offs instead of the present four, with the teams finishing behind those automatically promoted rewarded with one-off home ties instead of being involved in the present two-leg games. All member clubs will have the chance to debate it at a meeting at Leicester City on April 24.
TONIGHT’S TV & RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Soccer AM’s All Sports Show (6pm) Yesterday, Dear Fiver received an email from Duncan, a poorly-paid IT geek rapidly approaching his 40s. “I’ve noticed that every woman I meet is madder than a Russian van-driving duck carrying a consignment of snakes to Dagenham Heathway, three stops past Barking,” he confessed, before adding a desperate: 0 celine bag 30 cm equals how many inches “What the hell am I going to do?”
The Full SP (7pm) Don’t worry, Duncan. A nation – OK, the Fiver’s $3400 celine nano luggage bag nwt dust bag 30-something IT-geek readership – has taken you to their (Advanced Dungeon and Dragon-playing) hearts.
FA Cup Classics (12pm) “Duncan obviously has a gift for extremely lengthy and contrived metaphors, so I suggest he applies for the next available vacancy as a staff writer on the Fiver,” says the sage Andrew Payne.
BBC Radio 5 Live: Sport On Five with Ian Payne (7pm) “The sheer cachet of $27k celine emerald green crocodile mini belt bag w top handle & shoulder strap such a job would have beautiful women beating a path to his bedroom door. [Are you sure? – Fiver ed.] I can’t promise the girls would be sane, but I’m sure they’d make him feel young again.
Talksport: Football First (7pm) “Writing about football would also make up for the loss of not playing $1350 celine red leather trio crossbody handbag it anymore. Yes, I’m afraid he’ll have to give it up. There’s no way you can still be playing football approaching 40 and not look silly. I mean, look at David Seaman.”
Newstalk 106: Off The Ball With Ger Gilroy (7pm) They’ll be more where that came from on Monday. Meanwhile, if you’ve been knocked back by the Samaritans, Claire Rayner and Dear Deidre’s Photo Casebook then everyone’s favourite last resort, the.boss@theguardian.com, is waiting and willing to hear from you.